#1 Yairmate Orright
by Leanne Hanson
Owyergoinmateorright?
— Yairmate, orright
But waddabloodynight
Came home pissed an’ tha missus got shitty
Went to the pub and got another middy
My round next so I shouted ‘em a schooner
If I hadda known then I woulda left sooner
Next thing I know the sheila’s at the door
Holy bloody hell, did I cop whatfor
There in the pub with me mates on the floor
Laughing off their arses an’ me a poor
Bastard with a handbag cloutin’ round me ears
Tellin’ ya straight, I was nearly in tears
Followed her home and ate me grub
Went off to bed an’ here’s the rub
Dirty woman spent an hour in the tub
So, what was I to do? It’s safer in the pub
Yairmate. Pass the peanuts.
copyright 2006 Leanne Hanson
"The Award for best social commentary on (exra)marital difficulties resulting from drunkeness" was given by Pagannini Jones to #1 "Yairmate Orright".#2 Scout 16 in a Pub
by James Zealy
Well, there I was
Dressed in Scout khaki
In an English pub at 16
Drinkin a pint
Amidst my partners
In this ambassador trip
At a time when
When we were learnin to be men
Whilst we tried new things
Like pitchin darts half cocked
Using the wall as a dart board
While the patrons ducked
Then havin to listen
To a scout leader
Explain why
I had to get up
In Hyde Park and explain
The virtues of being 16 in a pub
The pub was his idea
I did what he asked
Go figure
copyright 2006 by James Zealy
This song won two awards. Having been lost in a shipwreck off the coast of Australia, only replicas are here presented. "Scout in a Pub" was said to have been given the moderator's "Scout's Honor Award" and an award by Leanne Hanson as "The Best Drinking Song Involving Dangerous Projectiles" When recovered, the originals will be placed back on their pedestals in the area of this song.
#3 Looking Up at My Bar and Thinking
by Leanne Hanson
There's a bar with a top made from one single tree,
Stain veneered with the spills of the years,
With rings from the glasses of hundreds of folk
Who drank in the world with their beers.
All of man's greatest notions have passed through their lips,
And fallen on top of the bar,
Mixed up with the whisky philosophers drink,
'Til no-one can say what they are.
Though the bar's fallen silent, the mem'ries remain
And whisper their shouts to the past,
The air smells of company, wistful and wild
As the timber bar serves up its last.
THE DRINKING SONGS~BELOW~ARE BEING RESCUED FROM A SECOND SHIPWRECK, THIS ONE IN THE HIGH SEAS. KATH IN SCUBA GEAR RETRIEVED THEM HEROICALLY AND IS NOW AT THIS VERY MINUTE-- METICULOUSLY DRYING OUT THE REMAINS OF THEIR AWARDS ON A LINE BETWEEN PALM TREES, ON AN ODDLY FAMILIAR DESERT ISLAND. LUCKILY SHE HAS LOTS TO DRINK.
#4
My Corona
by Patrick Williams
My beer has a first name
it's C-O-R-O-N-A
My beer has a second name
it's E-X-T-R-A
Oh love to drink it every day
if you ask my why I'll say,
Corona Extra has a way with
getting me blitzed!!
(it takes about 12, though)
Tracey Paridisio's "Wish I Were a Wiener Award" belongs, hands down, (she said) to... #4 My Corona, an Christina Hymes gave it "The Best Song to Teach Your Kids Award".
#5
dregs
by Starla Borne
something beautiful
at the bottom of my glass
your reflection
or another pint
waiting for my cash
oh there was something beautiful
but I'm not sure it was me
lets dance baby
lets dance
lets be all that we can be
there is something beautiful
beer spills and bent dreams
breath out breath in
then you can pick silently
at my seams
Lynn Vartan names "dregs" as recipient of "The best song for hopeful drunks award".
#6
Passage
by Bryn James Tales
Lilting ‘gainst a drunken load,
Let the car undress the road;
Slip the robe of the darkness,
Slip the sober starkness
Of daylit cares by cotton wares
Incense of unreal power
Patterned carelessly in barrooms,
Like sadness overruled within a bridegroom.
Tonight shall wring a room
To bring a haven for your wishes:
Safety dressed in people,
Smiling retreats from ordeals
Of tender foreign kisses,
It tenders foreign kisses
and hisses
boutique misses
Whenever you hear crowds of cheer
somebody’s losing
quietly,
somebody’s losing
quietly
Passage has been given the "Award for Abstract Misery" by Robbi Skaera
#7 Helpless & Made
by Bryn James Tales
Dip down your cup,
down your cup
& swing it back up.
Grail up our voices,
there’s no air for choices.
Make crystalline dandelions
from summer shirts and wine.
Grail up our voices
there’s no room for choices.
Speed up the living-
surrender, start giving.
Girl, lift your head up and
smile at yourself.
Behind every curtain,
ecstasy’s certain.
Tell me we’re helpless &
made of the summer
"Helpless and Made" has been anonymously given "The Bryn James Tales Award for a Drinking Song Leading to Lucid Revelation"
#8 This Trolleyed World
by Bryn James Tales
And now while I can barely think,
I’ll steer you to cleave this world of drink
in a damned and dented,
buckled half-demented
shopping trolley.
The barkeeper offering whisky-
A golden slope for minds to ski-
The artists say ‘Hell no!
I’ll hang myself on pernod’.
But to appreciate first curves they say,
‘A fat glass of Courvoisier’
Mid the thick club air of human zoos
cerise legs slip on Malibu,
where drifts’ crafts deck vast bedlam,
and crews jet flasks of white rum,
and at the second sip of gin-
I spy- the afternoon gives in.
The flamboyant turn virgo on merlot,
But the ask of a major-river rinse
Follows tooth and precipice of absinthe
As chopper-trembling Wagner
Greets the patrons of strong lager.
Sheffield office break sambuca in
Teal city fountains sealed with toucans,
Yorkshire’s dales where the cold taps bitter
Leeds lofts curl canals like goldschlager glitter
And the urban heart pearls like pastis and ice.
A lifetime swilling advocaat,
A cardiac, a horse and cart
the conscience polarises wide and slow
like continental drifts, to Mexico.
to rise here up like Don Quixote
Where peyote’s patrolled by coyotes,
you take Tequila's legalised revealer…
‘You’re flush-drunk, you silly sod-ya!
On vingt-et-un and vodka,
Double-drunk and rouble-sunk
And headed for a bucket dunk!
Shut up, go home and wipe
Your foaming lips & sleep,
Go home and halt your roaming,
Sleep!'
#9
Vodka is the Answer
by Denton Harris
Being sober is my problem,
and it needs a resolution,
so my answer is vodka,
it is a clear solution.
#9 "Vodka is the Answer" won Lynn Vartan's "Gets the Job Done Award".
#10 Bobbi Was A Walkin'
by Christina Hymes
Bobby wuz a Walkin'
Bobby wuz a walkin'
Strummin' his Guitar
Humming a swigin tune
in evenin' this June.
He swayed frum sid ta sid
an stumbled two and three times
Still strummin an hummin
in dis der Evenin' in June
#11
The Man Of The Year
by Harry Bower
let's all drink a cheer
for the man of the year
who's such a sweet dear
except when he's here
but when he's away
I've heard people say
they long for the day
he comes back to stay
we raise him we praise him
we parade on his lawn
we need him we feed him
and are glad when he's gone
The "Every Family's Got One" Award was presented by Tracey Paradiso to... #11 "The Man Of The Year".
#12
folk festival
by Starla Borne
they played the fiddle
I danced all day
oh, honey coloured sunset
lets drink to summer
(these sweetened ales)
and days we'll never forget
#13
Don't Care To Ask Why
by Paganinni Jones
CHORUS:
I'm drinking, I'm drinking,
I'm drinking, I'm drunk
I'm drunk as a skunk,
I'll fight like a punk
I'm getting drunker
Each minute I drink
My tongue's like a skink
I think I can wink.
With full glass in hand
raise it up to the sky
drink toast after toast
and don't care to ask why.
Drink to your boss
Or drink to the pope
Drink to new prospects
Drink to old rope
Chorus - "I'm drinking, I'm drinking.." etc
Drink to new friendships
And marriage vows made
Drink after the funeral
With all those who stayed.
Don't fret for the future
Don't grieve for the past
Drink of old hopes
And that new ones may last
"I'm drinking, I'm drinking.." etc
Drink when life's good
Drink more when it's not
Drink cider, drink beer
Drink gin by the shot
Drink brandy, drink sherry
Drink whiskey in tea
Don't drink on your own;
Drink with this company!
"I'm drinking, I'm drinking.." etc.
Chorus to be repeated ad nauseum until the last of the singers slides under the table.
Tracey gave the the "Gets Seussy When Sauced" Award... to #13 Don't Care To Ask Why
#14 Not a Drip
by Julie Cook
Not a drip's passed my lips
since December twenty-sixth
(and even then, t'was only wine,
from a white zin' vine).
Sandless sex on the beach
is quite out of my reach
and though I have craved
a hard lemonade,
I’ve had none
but a virgin.
"Not a Drip" won the moderator's "No one Else could have written This Award" as well as the distinquished "How'a the Baby Doing Award".
#15
Ho-ho-ho-ho
by Steve Johnson
Sitting around
Drinking it down
Round and round
In bottles we drown
Ho-ho-ho-ho
Swallow it all
Make your call
Ho-ho-ho-ho
Tip you man
All you can
Ho-ho-ho-ho
And never will you want!
"Ho-ho-ho-ho" was given the moderator's seasoneal "Most Likely to be sung by Carolers Award".
#16 What Goes Down
by Steve Johnson
What goes up,
Must come down
What touches the lips
Will soon splash the ground
Sometimes I take
But really I borrow
What tastes good today
Will smell bad tomorrow
Drinking in mass
Smiling with friends
Breaking the glass
Puking offends.
"What Goes Down" has been given the moderators "Most Biologically Inevitable Award" and also "The Most Body Fluids Used In A Public Establishment Award" by Jersey Gibson.
#17 Gimme a Tit
by Chris Morris
When once upon a time it seemed
That my poor heart was broke
I went to the pub to suck on a stub
And met an old English bloke
He said “now what you need my son
Is a bottle of Irish stout
A buxum tart with a grateful heart
‘cos that’s what life’s about”
Oh gimme a tit, gimme a tit
Gimme a tit to chew
I’ll sit right here with a pint of beer
And a plateful of vindaloo
We drank a few and drank some more
Until my thirst was slaked
Then drank some more with a grateful whore
Who’s orgasm’s were all faked
She said “now sonny, I ain’t being funny
But what in the world is that?
You’ll need more than a pint sized whastisname
To get a look-in at my twat
Oh gimme a tit, gimme a tit
Gimme a tit to chew
I’ll sit right here with a pint of beer
And a plateful of vindaloo
Gimme a Tit was given "The Best meal to wash down with a drinking song Award" by Leanne Hanson, the "Tact Is For Losers Award" by Jersey Gibson, Most Inspirational Drinking Tune for All Old Reprobates awarded by Rusty Arquette, and also was diplomatically named by Laurie Blume as one of two poems to receive "The Most Likely to Inspire Fistycuffs Award".
#18
O, Bonnie Earl
by Jersey Gibson
Me lads and me mates sittin' at the bar,
have thee a story which I'll sing to ye.
'Bout a man, a legend, sir, one-of-a-kind,
so sit yer bum right there, and have a drink on me.
Ye can drink lagers down, tip back many a glass,
but you in no league for Bonnie, no, not even in his class.
For a'drinkin' is his life, he'll continue while you hurl,
for no man can drink as much as ole Bonnie Earl.
Bonnie isn't a big man, but to we lads, he stands tall,
can finish every round right quick, ne'er seen him fall.
Ye can drink all day and night, be brave and give a whirl,
'cuz there ain't a man alive who can outdrink ole Bonnie Earl.
Bonnie will sit with ye, with a pint and a grin o' sheen ,
and tell ye he outdrank thee entire Scottish drinkin' team.
So pull up a barstoll right there, and view our local pearl,
for no man can stomache as much as ole Bonnie Earl.
Pint after pint, when head meets thee floor,
he'll sit back with a smile, and a round, he'll ask for more.
Heavyweight champions bow before his form,
for he can outconsume against any man that was e'er borne.
'O, Bonnie Earl, Bonnie Earl,
have a drink on me.
Yer the spotlight of this ole pub,
all yer drinks are free!
"O, Bonnie Earl" was given the "Best song extolling beer that makes you want a wee dram of scotch Award" by Harry Bower, and the Moderator's "Could This Have Been Me, and There is Something I Don't Remember? Award"
#19
Swimmin' Back to Texas
by Rusty Arquette
I'm gonna' run down to the ocean
I'm gonna' pull off all a' my clothes
Tell them sharks ta' git outta' the way
'Cause here my sorry ass goes...
I'm swimmin' my way
back ta' Texas
'Cross the Gulf of Mexico
'Cause a razor totin' woman
Said she don't want me any mo'
no mo'
She don't like me drinkin' Ripple
Or that low down T-Bird wine
and if she sees me drunk again
She says she'll break my spine...
That's why I'm swimmin'
back ta' Texas
'Cross the Gulf of Mexico
'Cause that pistol wavin' woman
Don't want me 'round any mo'
no mo'
She don't like who I hang wit'
Or 'dem girls always comin' 'round
So she spent my cash, flushed my stash
and threw my clothes out on 'da ground...
So I'm swimmin'
back ta' Texas
'Cross the Gulf of Mexico
'Cause a half-crazed ol' woman
Said she can't stand me here no mo'
no mo'
I only wisht' I learnt ta' swim better
'Cause I can 'nary swim a lick a' tall
Mercy, please toss me a inna' tube mama
I hear Davy Jones startin' ta' call...
I'm learnin' ta' swim
back ta' Texas
'Cross the Gulf of Mexico
'Cause a razor totin' woman
Screamed she don't want me no mo'
no mo'
Bye-bye...
Rusty's "Swimmin'Back to Texas" was given "The Absolutely Most Singable Award" by Lynn Vartan --and she proved her point by singin' it with great style and accent after a good martini, in the moderator's presence (moderator-made-martini, by the way) and the "Total Lack Of Grammar In A Swinging 4th-Grade Kind Of Way Statuette in the Dyslexic's Awareness Convention in 4Q, 2006"
#20
The Drunkards Lament
by Rusty Arquette
I woke up in a drunken blur...
From a battle with a bottle a' gin...
Wonderin' where the hell I was,
and where the hell I'd been
Oh lord, where the hell I'd been
Last thing I remember, man...
Was a train-yard north a' town...
and a warm wind whistlin' 'round me,
as a bright light came bearin' down
Yes sir, a bright light was bearin'down
The hot pee ran all down my leg...
As my brain made the train come alive...
Then the Seaboard Coastline hit me,
and I began a very strange ride
Man, I started a very strange ride
I went screamin'down into purgatory...
Oh God,I was losin' my mind...
Through fire and flame...
I held onto that train...
Roarin' down, down, down
through purgatory...
I saw a lot of old friends sad faces...
linin' both sides a' the railroad track...
They were all there wavin' a greetin' ta' me,
but I was numb and afraid to wave back
Oh man, I was afraid to wave back
Then that ghastly train came to a steamin' stop...
and tossed me off like a rag doll on the rails...
As an army of ugly friggin' demons came laughin'
with sharp tiny yellow teeth and dark dirty nails
My god, with sharp teeth and dirty nails
They stood me up stark naked in a big long line...
with a zillion poor ugly souls; maybe a dozen more...
Then they made us sing a lot of off-key show tunes,
chug cheap muscatel and then beg them for more
Oh lord, they made us beg them for more
I went screamin'down into purgatory...
Oh God,I was losin' my mind...
Through turmoil and pain...
I held onto my brain...
Roarin' down, down, down
through purgatory...
The demons all argued that I was insane...
and cut me with straight razor smiles,
Then forced me to swim in an ocean of gall...
and dance down brimstone for a thousand miles
Oh man, down brimstone for a thousand miles
Then that deathshead train came a screamin'...
churnin' crimson steam from entrails and gore,
and chewed up the souls of the miserable lost...
as it dragged me past Hell's sulpher door
Oh god, screaming past Hell's sulpher door
I shrieked and paled with the revelation...
I was lost and my life no longer meant shebeet,
and as we raced past the skeletial prisoners...
I shivered in the heat 'cause I knew this was it
Oh lord, 'cause I knew this was it
I went screamin'down into purgatory...
Oh man,I was losin' my mind...
Though my life had been lost...
I held on at all cost...
Roarin' down, down, down
through purgatory...
I screamed the scream of the living lost...
spread eagled across the boiler of that train,
the stench of death filled my nostrils full...
as the minions of hell tore at my terrified brain
Oh damn, how they tore at my poor brain
Burning me, the locomotive pitched and shrieked...
pounding through a landscape of horror and doom,
'Til above me a glow came drifting into view...
a shaft of sunlight piercing the hellish gloom
Oh god, sunlight pieced the hellish gloom
Then reality slammed against me with a kick...
off the steel-toed boot of a large switchyard man,
who barked, "What the hell you doin' down there!"...
I grinned, "I don't know, but I'll try to explain, man"
"Oh just let me try to explain, man"
I went screamin'down into purgatory...
Oh man,I knew I was losin' my mind...
Though my life had been lost...
I held on at all cost...
Roarin' down, down, down
through purgatory...
I stood up on rubbery legs...
and dropped the empty bottle from my hand
Watchin' trains move around me...
I swore to give up drinkin' cheap gin
Oh please, no more cheap gin
Well, I woke again in a drunken blur...
from a battle with a bottle a' gin...
Wonderin' where the hell I was,
and where the hell I'd been
Oh christ, where the hell I'd been
'Cause last thing I remember, man...
was a train-yard north a' town...
and a warm wind whistlin' 'round me,
as a bright light came bearin' down
Yes sir, a bright light came bearin' down
"Most Unsingable Drinking Song Award" was generously presented by Pags to "The Drunkard's Lament". Jersey Daniel Gibson, who at the time was the "Patron Saint Of Drinking" nominated "The Drunkard's Lament for the "(mumble, mumble, mumble...) SHARON! Award". Chris Morris named #20 The Drunkard's Lament as "The best song to sing whilst pretending to be Johhny Cash". And finally and most succinctly, "The How Can I Possibly Remember All this When I am Drunk Award" was given by Laurie Blume to #20 "The Drunkard's Lament".
#21 it's about time, girls
by Maggie Hall
i'm thinkin' it's about time, girls
i'm thinkin' it's about time
to turn on the vacancy sign, girls
to turn on the vacancy sign.
i'm wanting another glass of wine, girls,
wanting another glass of wine
so pour me another glass of wine, girls,
cuz he's all whine and no dine.
"It's About time Girls" has been given "The Best use of repetition and pun to encourage readers to drink Award"
#22
in vino veritas
by Alessandra Gallo
what’s wrong with
coddling this new blue and white ring of mine
up and down my finger
as you pour some more prosecco into a
cheap, plastic glass and I picture his naked body
all around mine; what’s wrong with this
very
accurate notion I have formed
(right here, under the curled tip of my tongue)
of the taste of one hundred and twenty
kilometres of his skin
and of the many different flavours it might take
(after a walk amidst the pines, at night,
or on the beach, after a swim, or, better still,
down there where it folds slightly
between his thumb and index
maybe after he’s done with a
huge serving of watermelon)
what’s wrong with
me, burping
Alessandra's "in vino veritas" is the winner of the "I've Been Drunk, But Never So Poetically Award" and the "Most Elegant Burp Award" both generously created by Shannon Vasquez
This is #22 of 37 Collected Drinking Songs and their awards, created by the Circle of Musicality, a traveling group of muscician poets (troubadours), who originally bonded together at what was formerly the "Department of Modern Verse". They have joined together as a band of "Shakespeare's Monkeys" and persist in carriying on their antics wherever and whenever possible.
#23 I DRINK YOU IN
by Don Campbell
all smiles and curves
and I don't need a drink
I'm inebriated just by
looking at you and
hearing your voice
no aphrodisiac is
greater than this
then getting to hug
you and I'm gone
on the figurative floor
my what a wonderful
view from over here
I've got to keep my
composure near your
presents/presence
you feel just like
an old girlfriend
it's all I can do
but to stop myself
from kissing you
in front of everyone
think of the scandal
because I'm drunk
copyright 2006 by Don Campbell
"I Drink you In" was given "The Best Romantic Song Award" by Christina Hymes; and also was anonymously awarded "The Bryn James Tales Award for Poem Most Likely to Make One Gush Embarrassingly with Love"
#25
Orgasm in a bottle
by Arianna Fierch
Oh Smirnoff
Won't you come
Sleep with me tonight?
Raspberry goodness
Swirl down my parched throat
Give me the satisfaction I deserve
Quench the desire to close
My lips around you
Oh Smirnoff
Won't you come and
Be with me tonight?
The Alternative to Actual Sex Award was given my Laurie Blume to #25 Orgasm in a Bottle
#26
A Drink to Lovers
by Coco Haynie
Wedding Bells are chiming.
Bridesmaids, mothers and fathers are crying.
Love is in the air.
Crazy love like two kids would share.
today their future, like ivy, begins to grow.
And champagne, yes, it will freely flow.
#27
Tasty Trio
by Lynn Vartan
Vodka, wine and BEER-
Makes me want to CHEER!
Maybe some Chambord?
To create some nice ACCORD!
Vodka, wine and BEER-
the drinks I hold so DEAR!
#28
A Toast to the Toasted
by Tracey Paradiso
“Have another,”
says the little voice inside your head.
This despite your tongue-slur
and your limbs that feel like lead.
“Why, thanks, I will,”
you say to all and to no one specific.
Though by morn you’ll feel like shit
for now you feel terrific.
Any ‘ol percentage,
any alcohol.
Any kind of brand or year
in glasses broad and tall.
Night becomes frag
mented as a fun ky fog descends,
wisps of kiss and fuck and puke
and smoke and tears and friends.
Morning comes with guilt and stench
and memories elusive.
Phone calls made to fill in blanks
by now you are quite used to it.
Cheers to us and all
the numbed out souls lushing though life.
If suffering is requisite
at least we’ve picked our strife.
#29
Gloating Song
by Paganini Jones
I simply don't get hangovers
I really don't have time
not even when I drink cider
or bottles of good red wine
I never did get hangovers.
I'm told it's a hereditary trait -
a thing to annoy other drinkers -
a delightful quirk of fate.
You can drink me under the table
you can drink me onto the floor
but when I get up in the morning
I'll still be ready for more.
I'm delighted I don't get hangovers
and it's absolutely true
when I see your grey face in the morning
I almost feel sorry for you.
But I simply don't get hangovers
I really don't have time
not even when I drink cider
or bottles of good red wine!
#30
Beer Goggles
by Al Santos
Ain’t it great when you get ready
To have a drink and make things steady
Getting dressed for a night in town
With the amber nectar that flows straight down
Suddenly the clock ticks around
And from outside you hear the sound
Of a nice new car that’s pulling up
Glad one of the guys ain't going to sup
Means all the more for the rest of us
As we jump in the car, zip past the bus
Carting the others out to the pub
Have we got time for a sub?
Cause boozing when empty ain’t that smart
Like last time riding that shopping cart
Down the high street, all too fast
But it don’t matter cause pain don’t last
But anyway it seems that I digress
From the laugh we had in ‘The Officers Mess’
The nearest pub to us in town
And please don’t even start to frown
We go there drinking every week
And as for Bob, he’s never meek
As when he puts his beer goggles on
And every girl ‘is THE one’
He’s gonna pull in the bar tonight
But I don’t think so, he’s a fright
When he’s had a drink, or sometimes ten
And thinks a lady’s coming to his den
He makes the effort, acts all smooth
But we all know he’s gonna lose
Cause that gorilla standing over there
Watching over his lady fair
Has seen old Bob trying his best
And has just picked up that snooker rest
With every intent of smashing it good
Down on Bob’s head despite his hood
Which will offer him no protection
And won’t help him with deflection
As he strides at us irate
And our Bob still can’t see his fate
But just in time he starts to sway
And moves just slightly out the way
The snooker rest moves through its arc
And comes to stop in time to part
The pretty girls mouth in smile
Oooo... that will hurt a while
As we decide to make a break
The beer bus turns up just to take
Us home again all safe and sound
And even Bob has bought a round
Which brings my tale to an end
And if I’ve shown you one thing, friend
It’s beer and women just aren’t right
Unless your goggles are on tight!
#31
Georgia Rain
by Emeya Warren
early morning pouring
homeless man
at the bus stop snoring
wakes to me
and when I glance his way
he bursts out singing
about the rainy days
in Georgia
stumblin’ astray
oh his aching mind’s
got to drink what’s bitter
before he dies
a tone that alters my sight
the notes climb
up his soggy throat
bounce off into the sky
dive into the booze bottle
drunk on cut-price rye
suddenly he edges
toward the curb tipsily
rolls his pants
down to his knees
still singing –
pissing relief as he drinks
oh his aching mind’s
got to drink what’s bitter
before he dies
I flee to the next stop
lose my senses to the wind
and when I board the bus
the old man occupies
a front-row seat
pant legs hug his ankles
as he raises his bottle to me
laughing oh-so-merrily
in holey old briefs
off at the next corner
I hunch my shoulders
against the downpour
buy whatever’s cheap –
what they’ll sell to minors -
and loiter my own street
oh my aching mind's
got to drink what’s bitter
before I die
gotta burst out singing Georgia
and taste the homeless life
#32
Come
by Emily Rose
Come
on warm me like
brandy
Spill me like wine
tickle me in places
only champagne
has had the nerve
to go
then drip real
slow
heady
over the top
of the glaaasssss
like the finest beer
Come
on warm me like
brandy
The Actual Sex Award was given by Laurie Blume to #32 "Come"
#33
Drinking Someone Else's Beer
Christina Hymes
I drank a bottle of wine
it was plumb and fine
i got bored with it
and began to suck a bit
on some beer instead
and ran my fingers through her hair on her head
and Billy Bob turned me
wanted some too, so I said to he
"why don't you leave me alone? I'm drinkin Kathleens Beer.
#34
After Lord Byron
Paganini Jones
Come into the beer garden, Maud,
For the day-long drudgery has flown,
Come into the beer garden, Maud,
I am clutching my pint all alone;
My woodbines are burned right down to the stub
And the women out here are all crones.
Oh my fellow sots, the brief night goes
Too slowy with solitary wine.
The peanuts and chips – I have finished all those
Where is that woman of mine?
Come into the beer garden Maude
Is my simple desire such a crime?
I said to the barmaid, 'There is but one
With whom I desire to play
When will she come so that I can have fun?
I am weary of girls who are gay.”
The barmaid said, "You are drunk. Bugger off!"
Maud, come, let me have my way.
Come into the beer garden, Maud,
Last orders will soon be called,
Come into the beer garden, Maud,
I am getting increasingly bored
My woodbines are burned right down to the stub
And all night I havn't once scored
The Best entry wot I wrote Award as given by Pagannini Jones to #34 "After Lord Byron"
#35
I Met a Transexual
Christina Hymes
I met a transexual,
and found him very attractive,
he was very active,
primping himself more than me
Picking himself like he had fleas
Damn i just sneezed-
I sat on his lap and stroked his hair,
damn wish i gould put my hands down there, you know where, where the 9 inch toy is, damn that's big dontcha think.
I've had too much to drink.
#36
Liquid Appeal
by Laurie Blume
Fill my worn down glass again
The world slips to a better place
For all the talk of overdone
The mellowness takes place
Within my chalice of discontent
Loving fermentation of the grape
Feed upon the liquid escape
Of cool enticing dreams and
The pleasure of your company
As if the burning pain can bear
Another night alone and cold
Bring your sweetness to my lips
Upon my tongue a blessed taste
Drought of senses quietly endured
Quenching my need to fill the hollowness
Feed upon the liquid escape
Of cool enticing dreams and
The pleasure of your company
#37
Wet or Dry
by Christina Hymes
I asked wet or dry
you said " what the fuck,
I just want a Martini."
Wet or dry,
"Damn, i told you. Just give me a Martini"
"No, no, would you like to see me in my bikini"
"um.. no..yes"
"So would you like me Wet or dry?"
The Sexiest Commentary on Drinking Award was given by Laurie Blume to #37 Wet or Dry
all poems copyright belong to the poets above, 2006
